Change of Plans

 

Shit is about to get real.

 

So if you aren’t ready for it, close your screen NOW.

 

There’s a reason my blog hasn’t been up to date, a reason why I haven’t been documenting all the amazing adventures of being a sports PT for Chinese Olympic athletes. Why? Because I realized it wasn’t right for me.

 

And y’all, let me tell you. That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Admitting that reality did not meet my expectations when I had talked this thing up for almost a year….that took a serious blow to my ego.

 

I could have stayed. I could have pretended and posted images on social media to make you think it was everything I thought it would be. Exploring the world, meeting people from all walks of life, daring to put myself out there in a way I never had before. But that would have all been a big fat lie. Because the honest to goodness truth is that this opportunity just wasn’t right for me at this time in my life. And you know what, that is OK.

 

A year ago I would have seen this as me being a “quitter,” a “failure.” But I’ve learned so much about what I want my life to be, and what I deserve, that I don’t see it that way. Instead I see this as a learning experience (albeit a pretty pricey one). A chance to grow and to figure out who I am just a little bit more.

 

Or who I am not. Because I realized that I need connection. I need people that get me, I need the energy of other human beings and I need comradery. I don’t do well going off on my own, and I wish I was one of those free spirits that could tackle the world head on, but I prefer to tackle the world with some people at my side.

 

Don’t get me wrong. This was a pretty amazing opportunity that is probably a great fit for someone else. But I am proud of myself for being brave and courageous enough to realize early on that it wasn’t the right fit for me. Being able to admit I was wrong is one of the hardest things for me to do. But there is such relief in acknowledging my truth and owning it. And following my heart.

 

So….. now I’m back at a crossroads. I hopped on a plane with two oversized bags full of clothes and books and my vision board. The vision board with pictures of the Olympics and China and everything I thought this next year would be. But life has a funny way of reminding you that you’re not in charge. I’m not in control. And that’s probably for the best.

 

After endless bags of airplane pretzels and zoning out to the newest movies to try to distract myself from what my new reality is, I landed back in Jackson, Mississippi. When I left for college several years ago, I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would be back here. But this is where I am. I’m chugging along to my third decade, living with my parents, unemployed and single, without a clue in the world of what I want to do. My background is in physical therapy, and I spent the last year pursuing a sports certification and became a certified strength and conditioning specialist and added some more letters behind my name, but I still feel like there is something missing.

 

So I’m on a journey to figure out what that is. And since I already paid the year fee for this website, I figure what the hell, I’ll document it while I’m at it. Maybe people will resonate with my struggles, maybe they will laugh behind my back, maybe they will send me an anonymous donation (DM me for my address!) to help me pay the bills. But regardless of how many people read this thing, my reasoning for continuing to blog is simple:

 

While I sat outside and meditated, looking out at my childhood backyard, wondering how the heck my life has turned out this way, I realized one thing: the universe is giving me an assignment. It’s asking me to be vulnerable, to be open, to finally break down the walls I’ve spent my whole life building up. It’s asking me to be braver than I’ve ever been, to recognize with gratitude the blessings I’ve been given, and to share myself whole-heartedly in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, someone will be able to find strength in my humility.

 

So, that being said, this blog is getting a makeover. I’m going to let it decide where it wants to go, and you are more than welcome to follow along with me. I hope you know that if things don’t turn out the way you planned or hoped, that there is always another path waiting to be traveled. We are not alone in our utter lack of control. Life has plans that are out of our hands. And if we can just sit back and surrender to what is in store, I think life gets a little more beautiful.

 

Stay tuned – it’s going to be one hell of a ride.